The Ninth Moon of Uranus • What I discovered from going to school everyday...

What I discovered from going to school everyday and getting through it and working hard was that there were a lot of other people who felt like me, who felt like they just didn’t want to be there sometimes but becoss we all felt that we’re together and worked hard together and got through it together, we had better opportunities as adults. We were able to get into college and we were able to do the jobs that we wanted to do becoss we worked hard in high school. And we also discovered that becoss we were part of a group that kind of felt ambivalent about school, that it made it a bit easier because we were able to understand each other and understand that we weren’t alone…..I cannot stress enough how important high school is and really showing up there everyday is more than half the battle. (x)

I hate this. I hate people like this. Big fishes like Jesse and Chris Colfer who realised when they were young that they had to work to make it into the ocean. Because I felt just like this, like I didn’t belong and wanted to get away, but to be seen in my school as someone who studied and liked to do well was to invite taunting and hatred. So I made the conscious decision to be an underachiever. To fade into the background. To ignore school, spent all of my time outside of it’s walls pretending it didn’t exist. I figured that way I’d get average results, get into a decent college course in Dublin, and I could see how my life went from there.

And I regret it. Every day of my life I regret it. And I’m crying as I type this because I just hate myself. I hate my life. I’m never happy anymore. I’ve cut myself off from my friends because I look at them, living the exact same life I am and enjoying the hell out of it, and I just want to curl up and die. And I doubt anyone would notice if I did. I’m not a social person, I don’t want popularity, or fame, I just want… I don’t know what I want. I want something more. But over the years I’ve just forgotten how to have ambitions. To be motivated. I don’t know what it’s like to be proud of myself, and for others to be proud of me. I gave up on myself and I want to fix it but I don’t know how.

(via maryatethelittlelamb)

Source: michmemoirs